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BloodySavage
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« Reply #2 on: November 20, 2009, 12:58:05 PM » |
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As we wrote last week, UGO is doing suplexes of anticpation for The Undertaker origin movie that PWInsider says is in development. The planned Western reportedly has a $3.5 million budget, which is typical of a straight-to-DVD shlockfest.
Little is known about The Undertaker movie other than a setting and price tag. Given those facts lets cast this thing with low-rent character actors (and a few wrestlers) playing standard Old West stereotypes.
The Undertaker
Let's hope that the WWE isn't going to pretend that the Phenom is really over a hundred years old. Hopefully The Undertaker in this movie is the current guy's great, great, great grandpappy. If that's the case, I'm sticking with Ray Stevenson as the guy I want to see in the duster and black hat. Sure that Punisher movie sucked, but as Titus Pullo in HBO's Rome, Ray's proven he's one of the toughest tough guys working today.
The Sherriff
Slap a shiny star on Treat Williams and call it a day. Treat's beard gives him the gravitas needed to play the beleaguered lawman willing to do anything it takes to save the town he's sworn to protect. Even if it means teaming up with that creepy Undertaker!
The Deputy
Every good Western needs a dopey Deputy to provide comic relief - the skinnier and wimpier the better. DJ Qualls is just the squid to play back up to Treat Williams' bearded good guy.
The Whore Seeking Redemption
I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that this character is going to wind up being The Undertaker's great, great, great grandma. The Whore Seeking Redemption is in just about every Western I can think of: the pretty girl who does what it takes to survive in the Old West. LOST's Maggie Grace has the stuff to play this part. She's pretty, has spunk and will be right at home in a straight-to-DVD affair.
The Evil Land Baron
"The Million Dollar Man" Ted Dibiase looks more the part now as an old man than he did when he wore a sequenced, sleeveless tuxedo jacket and ordered Virgil around. Plus, his laugh is the most evil laugh in the history of laughter.
The Native American Shaman
Something mystical has to happen to The Undertaker to doom his lineage to a life of macabre professional wrestling. If the origins lie in the Old West, than chances are there's some Native American magic involved. I think there's an unspoken law in Hollywood. If you have an American Indian wise man in your film, Wes Studi is contractually obligated to play that part.
The Gang of Cowboy Thugs
There's no shortage of cowboys in wrestling. Hire them all:
Cowboy Bob Orton - The Hired Muscle Cowboy
Billy Gunn - The Brokeback Cowboy
Jimmy Wang Yang- The Asian Cowboy
Dusty Rhodes - The Fat Cowboy
JBL - The Dick Cowboy
The Funk Brothers - The Lunatic Cowboys
Stan Houston - The Dancin' Cowboy
...give Jim Ross a cameo as Cooky, the guy who cooks slop for these tough guys
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